#18 “‘Well then why didn't you say something or do something at the time???’”

“One thing that I've experienced--not frequently, but more than once, and with different people--is when I ask a question to a male presenter in a meeting, and he answers my question, but won't look at me while he answers. (He instead looks at the other men in the room, who didn't ask the question.) At first I thought this was odd, even funny, but it's actually quite disrespectful. It makes me feel like he doesn't think of me as an equal with everyone else around the table. It's like, he will dignify the question with a response, but he won't dignify the questioner with eye contact.

Every time this has happened, I've asked a teammate who was in the meeting with me if he noticed it. Every time, they've said something like, ‘Yeah I did, that was pretty weird.’ And so I'm thinking, ‘Well then why didn't you say something or do something at the time???’ I've thought about standing up for myself in real time as it's happening, but being the only woman in the room, I feel like this is risky. If my male allies are noticing this noninclusive behavior, it would be nice for them to take a stand.

Ultimately, this kind of treatment makes me feel like I don't belong there, and eventually I feel like giving up, giving them their way, disengaging, and eventually leaving.”