#79 “You come off as rude and selfish sometimes.”

“I am an engineer at a small start-up. In December, I should have been promoted to be a senior engineer; the expectations on me have been high essentially since I started in the company. Instead, I was given the feedback that I am seen as ‘non-collaborative’ and that I have trust issues with leadership because of the way that I give them critical feedback. None of that feedback came with actionable items to work on or clear examples of anything but a general, ‘You come off as rude and selfish sometimes.’ I was genuinely shocked by the feedback; I definitely give straightforward feedback, but I'm also very polite; I do have trust issues with leadership, but only because they've lied to us consistently the entire time I've been at the company (2 years now.) in really transparent ways.

Fast-forward to June, the beginning of our next review cycle where I was eligible for promotion again. I had been working on what actionable feedback I had been given, had not heard any follow-up feedback, and had been performing at a senior-level capacity for the past six months so was assuming there would be no issues, but instead walked into a conversation with my boss where I was told that my ‘behavior issues’ could be a problem with my promotion, and that leadership considered me having a negative impact on our company culture.

I was very upset by this; I pride myself on being a very positive cultural influence in a variety of ways, and have been told my many of my coworkers that they think I help create a better, more equitable work environment. What's more, I again was given no specific feedback other than a general sense that I was not collaborative (which, there are dozens of examples of me being collaborative) and that I assumed worst intentions of leadership because of my ‘trust issues.’ I pushed back since I've been given nothing but vague feedback, and asked my manager to investigate into whether or not there's an actual issue with my behavior or if I was just being tone policed.

My manager came back to me a week later with some specific examples; they all had to do with a perception of how I was communicating, and not related to the actual feedback I was giving. (Only one piece of feedback, involving another individual contributor, felt actually valid; but when I followed-up with that IC to apologize, it turned out that it was fabricated by his manager.)

I've seen men in my company give similar feedback and not be considered aggressive or rude. I am definitely being tone policed by people who are uncomfortable with women giving assertive, confident criticism, and being actively punished for being an engaged employee willing to give uncomfortable feedback sometimes. (Which, for the record, is something they continually say they want from us.) It's still up in the air whether or not I will get the promotion I have earned.”