#86 “The conversation ended with him saying that the choice was mine, but that he would still not support me if I didn’t make his suggested change.”
“The UX designer in my startup is known, and openly admits, to often being late with his deliverables and has strong opinions that can cause churn and delays. I always work to bring him questions and ask for help weeks before these items are due, given his delay.
For one project that I had managed, I wanted to make sure we had ample time to have design sketches. I started having meetings with this individual four weeks before the build, yet he was still late in getting design sketches back to me. We decided to move forward with the other engineering work using the user experience decisions that had been made thus far.
A month behind schedule, he was finally ready to bring me sketches for design to unblock our frontend engineer. During our meeting, he told me that he does not agree anymore with one of our first decisions and that we need to rework the project. I told him that unfortunately our engineering team had already started working and that it would cause extreme delays to go back and change that piece. He did not believe that the change would cause any delay, and said we needed to have engineering discussions again to really understand the ramifications. He told me that he will not support the project moving forward if I did not make the change. While I argued that the project would be delayed and I had already made the decision as a project manager, he continued to disagree with me. This was one of many projects where he did not trust or honor my decisions as a manager. When I told him how I felt, he said he does trust me and wants to empower me as a manager, which is why I should listen to him and use the work as a learning experience to build a better product. The conversation ended with him saying that the choice was mine, but that he would still not support me if I didn’t make his suggested change. After the meeting, I felt defeated and infuriated for continuing to change my behavior and work pattern to accommodate his working style while he refused to compromise or collaborate. The following days, I worked to apply the changes he was demanding. He never brought up the conversation again nor did he follow up with me on the discussion. Instead, he told other people in the office that I was acting aggressive towards him and my feelings were unjustified. He also mentioned to my coworkers that my interpretation of the conversation was wrong. The next time we spoke personally, he told me that my feelings were unjustified and that I was attacking him. Classic gaslighting.”
